A Different Kind of Normal

When I chase fame I am desperately striving to be different than those around me.  But being different has negative connotations put on by society.  Different, strange, odd, weird, nerdy, geeky, funny, class clown, goody two shoes, smarty pants, straight, gay, black, white, colored, religious, atheist, blind, handicapped, retarded, dumb, talented, skilled, successful, etc.

I grew up being different.  I came from a large family with only brothers as siblings.  My parents never divorced.  I was home schooled because of elementary school violence.  I hated being a girl growing up with all brothers.  I lived on a farm and loved animals more than being with people.  I was super shy and had a hard time making friends.  I stood out because of my larger boy's clothing I would wear to be modest.  I didn't hang out, date or go to any school events, dances that didn't require the Marching/Pep/Concert band.  I was always more worried about school and good grades and bringing in good money to pay for college, than living a normal teenage life.

I was ridiculed, mocked, made fun of, teased, and persecuted not only by my peers but by myself as well.  Why?  Because I felt like I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo different than others I was around. 

Now as a mother, I am finding that talents and abilities that used to set me apart are majorly the same as what other women and especially mother's that I come in contact with have as well.  After trying to live a life where I could be different because of some talent or ability or skill that I have gained, I find that my talent's aren't unusual, or special...or so I feel.  In fact to put it clearly I have felt that I have nothing to offer others because they have what I have.  This type of thinking leads me to feeling incompetent, lacking in self confidence, normal instead of different. 

Something I have taken my whole life to over come I am now trying to get back as I chase after fame.  I find myself wanting to be different again, because I have no clue how to act, and what to do being normal and have commonalities with others I hang out with.

Fame or Glory

When you become famous you get lots of attention, you are stalked and followed by everyone and their dog so they can get a photo with you or of you, so they can get your autograph and then sell it to make money of their own.  You have to have body guards for public events.  Your children are branded by your fame, and lead lives of public scorn, jest, and notice. 
Do I really want that for my family?  Heck NO!  Even though I chase fame, I really just want Glory.  The glory of God.  I enjoy leading a life of a nobody.  I enjoy introducing myself to people and no one really know who I am.  I enjoy leading a quiet life of love, happiness, and peace. 

My little moments of fame are  all I can handle.  You know may know me as the mom who can't control her children in a store.  As the mom who gets frustrated when her children choose to disobey her.  As the mom who looks pregnant even when she's not.  As the wife who is just now learning how to cook healthy meals for her family.  As the wife who hates to clean her house, but does so anyways.  As the woman who doesn't know how to use a curling iron, a flat iron, or a blow dryer.  As the woman who is just now learning how to apply makeup in a natural way.  As the woman who doesn't have confidence in herself, and so has never branched out to do the things she dreams of doing.

Does fame give you confidence?  I am willing to bet no.  If you don't believe in yourself, and if you don't feel like you have anything to offer then why would being famous help you out?  Being famous doesn't guarantee that you have something to offer the world or people in general.  But if you do feel like you have something to offer, shouldn't you start by having the desire to be the best you can be with those whom you love, and who love you?  Even though I'm not the perfect role model for a mother, wife, and woman I do have people who love me.  Even though I still don't think any of my talents and abilities God has given me are better than someone else's or really of importance, I do have talents, abilities, and skills that I secretly work on so I don't lose them. 
I mean there's tons of people who can write better than me, and have better grammar.  There are tons of people who are better artists, painters, muralists, and crafty people than me.  There are tons of people who can afford to be self employed or be working mothers than me.  There are tons of people who have learned to use their talents to better their part of the world.  And that's because they have confidence in themselves. 
So let me ask you, if you could do something because money wasn't an issue, because time wasn't an issue, because square footage wasn't an issue, because nothing was an issue...would you go for it?  Would you stop letting that mangy cat dash your dream bubbles to pieces, and go after your "dream"?  Do you want fame or glory?

Pretence Lying

I love getting things for free.  For many different reasons.  It saves money, especially when you don't have money, or are really poor and tight financially. 

I have been a member of the yahoo group freecycle.org for the past 5 years.  I have always had no less than 2 different email addresses and aliases assigned to freecycle in my area.  Now this is pretty tricky because when I needed to get rid of items, I had to give the same address or phone number. 
After a while people start to realize that something foul is going on, and start ignoring my emails wanting to pick up items.  That gets very frustrating.  But half as frustrating as my next story.

I'm a mother of younger kids, and right now, we're pretty tight on money trying to pay off some major debt.  So I really like finding good deals.  Well I had a good amount of baby and toddler items I didn't feel like keeping, so I tried to sell them on the local classifieds and craigslist.com.  I didn't get a single bite.  That was really sad, because I really needed good money for these really well kept items.  So I took them to the store Kid to Kid, and hoped to get no less than $35 for everything.
(I had a car seat only used for 8months, baby toys used only for 6 months, and lots of baby clothes)  I figured that was a fair deal, they'd be able to sell everything for more than I hoped to get from everything.  Well on the Kid to Kid sell form, they ask you if you want to donate unwanted items or pick them back up.  Well I said donate, figuring there wouldn't be much they wouldn't want. 

After waiting all weekend I went in on Monday to pick up my money.  They were only going to give me $13 cash or $15.89 store credit.  They only wanted the car seat.  So I lost out big time on everything else I donated.  Now the thing that made me realize I was paying for my many many months of lying, is that they claimed everything else I had brought in had stains on them.  Which without pictures I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they were NOT stained.  I figured they wouldn't want stained items.  So I was cheated out of $$ because I had cheated others out of their free items all because I was pretence lying.

Moral of the story, I'm now off freecycle.org, and if I ever get on again, I will be myself, and not lie.  I am going to be honest in my dealings with my fellow men, women and children.  Because bad charma really does exist.  So I'm leaving the bad and bringing the good into my life!

Pretending Too Much

Chasing fame is a lot like plotting out a life time of dreams, wishes, and ideas that would land you in the spot light, and well hopefully alotta dough $$! Dreams can be categorized in groups of realistic dreams, slumber dreams, and fantastical dreams.

Realistic dreams: goals you want to accomplish that may take time, life titles or labels you desire to have associated with you.

Slumber dreams: dreams you have while sleeping that helps you come to a better understanding of yourself, and what you really want out of the journey called life.

Fantastical Dreams: dreams or wishes you have from watching movies, reading books, or going to a Magical theme park.

So what happens when you push away your realistic because they either seem too hard, or its the wrong timing in your life?  You start to bring your slumber dreams and fantastical dreams to life.  This involves a lot of pretending.  But what is pretending...sometimes it could be considered lying.  For instance, when you want to take advantage of something free, so you come up with many different names, addresses, and life styles for each of your new aliases.  Or when you pretend to be someone you are not, and start to get in trouble so you continue to pretend, and pretend, and lie and lie...blah blah blah...until

BAM WHAM KURPLUNK!  Liar Liar your pants really DO catch on FIRE!

Let me give you some examples from my life that just recently happened that opened my eyes to pretence lying.

The Art of Growing: Hanging Art

Art to hang is good art.  Compared to life, its the good times, the happy thoughts, the great memories.  I love hang-able art.  

Good Times: casserole surprise dinners, playing with children, hearing a baby laugh, going swimming, watching the sun rise or set, taking a nap, reading a good book, getting a nice big hug!

Happy Thoughts: Starting an Art Gallery/Museum for the Blind, where they can touch all the paintings, sculptures, and where seeing people can experience life challenges as a blind person.  Starting a charity to get people to help each other using their talents, time, and resources, to heal the sick and afflicted.  Spending time together as a family.

Great Memories: the many trips my family has taken to Disney World. Why? Because each trip got better and more fun! Being young you're completely enthralled with the magic of Disney, all the pretty things, and Characters that come around to see you as a child. Being a teen you focus on running through the place getting in as many rides as you can, beating the long lines, and acting cool on scary rides. Being an adult and going with your own children, lets you have fun with the characters again, you get to unleash your inner child without feeling stupid. Adults love to relive the good old days.

When I actively chase fame I forget about my hang-able art.  I forget all the good times I have experienced in my life.  I forget what truly makes me happy.  I forget that I do actually have great memories, and want to keep making more each day.  Chasing fame is hard, disappointing most of the time, easy for me to become pessimistic and depressed.  Chasing fame usually means I'm trying to figure out how to change my normal life into a life where people all over know who I am, and I have lots of money.  But if I were famous I would have a really hard time covering my life with hanging art.

Chasing Fame: The Beginning

Chasing fame began in Elementary school.  I had some friends, but I was never satisfied having friends in the unpopular crowd or rather, the everyday happy go lucky crowd.  I remember this time when we had to do some P. E. testing, I was the only person in my class who couldn't do any pull ups.  Not a single one, and to this day at age 26 I still can't do a pull up or chin up, what ever the politically correct term is.  Now let me tell you, growing up I was in a working family, we all worked hard to keep our farm running smoothly.  In my free time I would play with my siblings by climbing trees or swing sets, running, basically being very active.  It is still a mystery as to why being able to pull my body into trees, I couldn't pull my body up for 1 chin up for a P. E. test.
Well to make up for it, I was going to run as quickly as possible.  Try to get as many chips as a girl runner as I could.  But as I passed my group of friends for maybe the third time before they had completed three turns around the out door track, I realized I craved friendship more than good grades, so I hung back with them, and we would talk, eat honey suckle, and take turns carrying each other.  I had a very slight case of dyslexia, and probably also lied about my weight, and claimed I was 23 pounds instead of 32 or what ever my actual weight was so I was carried the most and longest by my friends even though I knew I wasn't the lightest girl there.  It felt great to have those girls be there for me.  Being carried I felt like a queen, with many happy servants just for me and my every beck and call. 

Fame wasn't always easy to chase.  Especially for a plane Jane girl, of ordinary background, and of the unpopular crowd, and without any spectacular abilities, skills, or talents.  So I improvised by trying many different ways to gain my Fame!